I'm in the middle of an endorphin rush. I don't know why. I'm excited, there's this wonderful ache just about in my chest, right near my shoulders, the pectorals, I'm not sure, but I just ache so wonderful it's the kind of searing pain that you want to prolong because it's so gratifying like the gush of proper sounds on your tongue grinding between your teeeth and your mouth and I just want to scream and wail in agony, agony is the word that expresses it best because agony is so blessed, pain that doesn't stop but is so intense that the body begins to shut down, the defenses to cave in, and the entire sensory system is overwhelmed by its sweet joy. The words sweet and agony should be inseparably paired and even if the dictionary doesn't place them so they should be next to each other and joined in eternal wedlock.

The words just come rushing. My heart beats oh so fast. I haven't taken anything, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't concentrate, I just want to surrendur myself as if I were filled with God. As if visibly God or some demon were moving and stirring within my veins. It is more wonderful than any drought I've ever tried, I have imbibed of something but I don't know what and I don't know why the feeling is so intense so pleasurable it is the prolonged agony wonder sweet of crucifixion.

Today was a very productive day. I talked to people, I played the flute, I worked out, I did homework, I read about Catullus. And yet, I'm tired. I think that has something to do with the agony, I'm so tired. Oh this is insufficient. Screaming from the roof-tops I want to open the window and cry "I love you" to the whole world and surrendur myself to the whole world to be raped and filled with penitence and forgiveness, crime suffering agony and then the sweet juices and flow of redemption and the violins scratching and strutting and scutting Bach, Bach violin concertos ringing out clear and wailing and filling the entire night the stars engulf it and the darkness engulfs it I am filled with the demon of inspiration and I want to see his shadow palpably in the world transformed and transfixed in translation.