I can be benevolent and I can give something to people, just by listening. I haven't developed skills that need developing, but at nineteen, my life is not over. My life has hardly begun. I should look towards ever horizon with hope and joy, because I can extract the bounty and succor of life from my own roots and from the roots of others.

I don't feel like I'll be able to exist alone. I naturally want to reach out. But I naturally pull inward. I can harmonize these seemingly contradictory tendencies and make myself complete. I can become a new man.

Today was very productive -- in all aspects. I got up, I went to hum lecture. Okay, so I was a bit late...but I was tired and I got up at 8:45 and I did manage to wash my face and brush my teeth and so if I was 10 mnts. late to lecture, it's a product of my supreme time management skills that I didn't miss lecture entirely. And tomorrow I shall get up and do it again.

I feel good about myself tonight; I feel as if I love myself -- as if there's hope for me. I can reach out to others, I am not completely at a loss for words, I can establish meaningful connections with people. I need to keep challenging myself, to feel awkward about something everyday, to overcome barriers, to try to listen to people, and maybe sometimes to put my own desires and feelings aside, because they can get in the way of what is my true joy, which is living and working with others for mutual benefit.

Well, forgive that brief aside; then I studied latin and ate a hasty breakfast in the brief window between Hum and Latin. Latin was good...I've not checked myself. Maybe I should do an experiment and just be quieter in classes. I always talk about it, but I don't do it. I love the spotlight, that's the problem -- I love being the center of attention. But Aristotle says it's better to veer to far the way we don't normally bend than to veer in excess the other direction. I think there's something intrinsically correct about that. Better to do what's disagreeable and maybe slightly more beneficial than what's agreeable but harmful. Philosophy is the organization of life for the pursuit of benevolence. All these asides. So I'll try not speaking in classes, not being vehement, not being violent, but listening to what other people have to say. I'll try. It'll be difficult for me. It will be very difficult. Just one class -- Latin tomorrow and Hum on Wednesday. Ah, these projects of self betterment. I can do it. Ugh.

After Latin I practiced flute, which was very agreeable. I feel good about flute as well -- I'm consistently happy at night now, after talking to people or walking or doing my own thing. I feel good about myself when I go to bed. This is not a bad thing. I am.

Flute finished, I exercised. I think I'll be able to keep up a good exercise routine. And after exercising I ate something, read a bit of The Golden Ass and...sent notes to my class about it. Unsolicited emails as they were. Oh well, possibly interesting points. Never hurts. Then I took a nap, and I fell very deeply into sleep, but it was only 20 mnts. I went to the housing lottery, went to orchestra...I'm a bit nervous about the concert on Saturday, we're not quite in as good shape as we could be -- at least there's still a dress rehearsal...ate dinner, came back, talked to JD.

I felt pretty bad after talking to JD, because we talked about life and depression and being happy and he sounded annoyed with me and increasingly critical of my attitude by the end. Some things I can't help. I am where I am. I don't want to be resistant to change, but I dunno -- it's hard for me and sometimes I feel as if he's very critical of me and as if I'm a burden to him and it makes me feel bad about myself. I felt extremely overwhelmed after talking to him. As if I were extremely intellectual with a one-track mind going straight off the track to the abyss, jeering crowds along the railways, violins playing quick cadenzas, dark sky. Not true.

I called two more people and talked to them -- an old friend whom I haven't talked to in awhile (and why? -- He's perfectly amiable...a wonderful human being, a good friend, an avid counselor) -- and then Nick. I guess the conversation with Nick was filled with digressions, but they were good digressions, reasonable, interesting, friendly, and I felt much better after the whole affair. He's going to bed now -- I wish him a good night.

I can't change all at once, but I will change. I won't just sit here. Things will get better. And I don't have to be alone when I'm sad or depressed. I can call people; I have people to talk to and to turn to. The trick in life is to find people who love us enough to make us feel good about ourselves and yet who, at the same time, constantly urge us to examine ourselves, make ourselves better, more caring, more loving people. The point of life is to overcome all prejudices, to overcome all stumbling blocks (to borrow from Jesus), and finally to arrive at universal love and universal mind, all good ideas and passions becoming our own. I have not arrived at that point yet, but I have tasted of it, sampled it, and it is sweet and promising. Someday i will spread my wings and fly free, but I flap furious little gusts about, perching and squawking. We're a vast multitude of little sparrows in the tree-tops learning to fly.