On Not Talking to Anybody About Anything

The other night, I came to a startling conclusion: I don't know what I'm talking about, and neither do you. Clearly, we must either learn how to speak more effectively, or abolish language altogether. Let's start by simplifying our diction to a series of expressive grunts. Consider the advantages: instead of arguing with each other, couples can express their feelings with "angry grunt" (which sounds very similar to, and is often followed by, "horny" grunt). When something makes absolutely no sense, there's always "inexplicable" grunt, which is followed by "feed me" grunt and "vodka" grunt, respectively.

How our lives will improve! We can cease all this metaphysical chatter (which nobody seems to understand anyway) and get right down to the bare essentials of life: food, shelter, and hot, hot mammas. People from foreign countries will understand each other without ever having to set foot in the class-room. No one will complain about bad grammar and syntax -- and best of all, the potential benefits for poetry and opera are enormous.

The opera's pretty much grunting and whistling already, and if we can just get rid of the encumbrance of language, the sopranos will be free to sing as expressively as they'd like while the audience will be freed from the burden of trying to understand them. We'll need operas, of course, that are rich in sentiment and emotion and light on the intellect...I'd suggest Wagner. Now for poetry: poets will be freed from the obligation to think up witticisms and clever turns of phrase and be able to get to the heart of their craft --expressionistic force; plus, all grunts rhyme, so we'll be able to return to those much lamented classical forms.

As for the sciences and wissenschaft -- well nobody listens to the literati anyway, so we might as well be grunting; and for all the advantages of science, when we weigh on the one hand the benefits of our vast knowledge of the universe, and on the other all the happiness which would be ours if we simply did away with language, which way do you think the scale will tip?

I've seen the future, and it's language free: no more arguments about religion, no more reading assignments, and no more awkward attempts at conversation on the subway. Woohoo!