I feel worthless. Like a person of no merit. I want to overcome everything, but I feel as if a mountain of obstacles stands in the way of me realizing myself. Right now, I'm living with my parents for the summer. I have no job, I've studied very little, I feel as if I were in the midst of a process of deterioration.

I feel lonely. I don't always feel as if I had people to be with or see or talk to. The majority of my days thus far have been spent alone, I feel or fear. One night and plans didn't materialize. I was supposed to go to Boulder, but due to communication problems and poor planning on my part it didn't happen.

Poor planning is the beast that I want to exorcise from my life. I do little or nothing not because I have no desire to do anything, but because I don't plan to do anything. I just sit around. I don't apply myself. Or I apply myself to the sundry details of the moment: exercising, sleeping, meditating, yoga; I engage myself in a rigorous program of self improvement that oddly enough leaves me extremely unhappy.

The question lies there -- how do I do all the things I want to do and yet still involve myself fully and to satisfying measure in the world of the living? The answer is simple -- exercise with other people, go to yoga classes, meditate at a Buddhist monastery or go to synagogue. I need to begin thinking of the activities that I do and their social expression in the world around me.

The problem is that right now I'm in the doldrums, and though I can look far into the horizon with a telescope and see the joyous on the land, yet I decry myself because I cannot join them, and yet there is no wind and the vessel is still. And perhaps in my mind there is still some nagging doubt as to whether or not I want to land at all.