A Few Things I Want

One of the things I wish I had, is someone to share my ideas with. Someone who I could tell what I really think about things, honestly, without feeling the sharp reproach, bitter against me, that I'm too intellectual. Someone I could argue with without being afraid that they would hate me or that I would hate them.

Another thing I wish I had, is a boyfriend. Someone who would really inspire me, someone who would make me want to be fuller, deeper, more intensely involved with life. Someone who I could share my life with, and actually feel as if I were sharing my life -- I mean, make me feel as if I had something, in my life, that is worth sharing.

I wish that I had screaming kids, yelling at me and disagreeing with me and hating me; developing into adults, each longing and yearning for their own lives, for a city or a country I haven't even imagined which they populate with the secret idols of their hearts. And they would be beautiful -- girls with beautiful long brown hair, and boys with curly locks; cherub faces, of course. And we would have Christmas trees and kugel and celebrations.

I wish that I had a professorship at an important university, and that the papers I published would raise the eyes of my colleagues, and that I would have lunch with important delegates. And then that I would teach classes brilliantly, and fill my students with awe and admiration -- for the subject -- inspire them. And then when the day was done, I wish that I would retire to my desk and write poetry, and read old browned pages of crumbling books, and think to myself, I know about that, Keats; I understand exactly what you're saying, Shakespeare; yes, Eliot, we are all alive;

And then there would be retreats up in the mountains, and quiet walks through nature. Hot tubs, the horizons of Paris, cities I've never seen or dreamt of, burdens, sorrows, things I haven't known or things I don't want to know. But most of all I wish that when I die, I'll die surrounded by friends, not alone; friends who will miss me, but not regret me -- who will gain something from my having lived. Yes, I hope that the human race gains something from my having lived.

But most of all I wish I understood now, and I wish you loved me.